When Marriage Hurts
by Dustin Heiner
dustinheiner@gmail.com
No marriage is perfect. The marriage you see may look good on the outside but may be eroding from the inside. i.e. A couple I know is going through a divorce and most people would never have known anything was wrong.
We will take up the resolve of Joseph in Genesis 50:20 What Satan meant evil, God meant it for good in order to strengthen marriages and make the more rooted in Christ.
God Hates Divorce
Malachi 2:15-17 15 Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. 16 "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.
Jesus reiterates this point. Matthew 19: 8Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."
Divorce must not be an option.
Let’s look at the very first marriage. Adam and Eve.
Adam was created in God's image. Gen 1:26 Let us make Man in our image. This image of God is complete and whole in God's image and traits, with nothing lacking. Then God saw that it was not good for man to be alone, so he created a helper, which was woman. Gen 2:18 The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."
When God made Eve, he took a part of Adam and created Eve with it. So, Adam was the complete picture of God before Eve and now, after Eve, is only a partial picture of God. When you put Adam and Eve together, you create the full image of God once again.
Together, Man and Woman represent the complete picture of God.
Key Point #1 - Christian marriages are under attack
The first time Satan attacked anyone was by destroying the first marriage.
He tricked Eve, to eat of the fruit of the tree of life and then Eve gave to Adam. Adam, not wanting to be separated from Eve, choose Eve over God. This is both the first instance of Satan attacking and Man choosing Idolatry over God.
Let’s see the ways that will Satan attack us in our marriage and in life.
Genesis 3 The Fall of Man
1 Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'?" 2 The woman said to the serpent, "We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, 3 but God did say, 'You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.' " "You will not surely die," the serpent said to the woman. 5 "For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." 6 When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. 7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.
Matthew 4 The Temptation of Jesus1Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil. 2After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. 3The tempter came to him and said, "If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread." 4Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God. 5Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. 6"If you are the Son of God," he said, "throw yourself down. For it is written:
" 'He will command his angels concerning you,
and they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.'"
7Jesus answered him, "It is also written: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'" 8Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. 9"All this I will give you," he said, "if you will bow down and worship me." 10Jesus said to him, "Away from me, Satan! For it is written: 'Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.'" 11Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.
The Three different ways that Satan will attack.
1 John 2:15-17Do Not Love the World
15Do not love the world nor the things in the world If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 16For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world. 17The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever.
1. Lust of the flesh. Gen 3:6 - Matthew 4:3
Gen3:6 When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food...
Mat4:3 The tempter came to him and said, "If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread."
So Satan will attack you with your flesh. There are many examples but here are two: For women, it might be . For men, it might be what you desire to eat. Think of whatever might be an idol in your life that will take your focus off the Lord and onto your flesh or person.
2. Lust of the eyes. Gen 3:6 - Matthew 4:8
Gen 3:6...and pleasing to the eye...
Mat4:8 Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. 9"All this I will give you," he said, "if you will bow down and worship me."
Satan will attack you through your eyes. This could be coveting something your neighbor has. Car, House, Job, Wife, Husband. For men, Jesus says, if you look at a woman lustfully, you are committing adultery in your heart which is a sin. Matthew 5:28
3. The boastful pride of life. Genesis 3:6 - Matthew 4:6
Gen 3:6 When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom...
Mat 4:6 "If you are the Son of God," he said, "throw yourself down. For it is written:
" 'He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.'"
Satan is saying to Jesus, "prove yourself to me". Eph 2:8-10 says that it is by grace we are saved, and not of works so that no one can boast. Everything we have, and everything we are is from the Lord. The boastful pride of life would be putting yourself above God.
Key point #2 - We all need to work to change ourselves to be more like Christ.
Each spouse must work on themselves to become a better spouse and Christ follower.
Each is not good enough as they are. I am not good enough for Melissa. Melissa is not good enough for me. It is my place to say that about myself but it is not my place to say that about Melissa. We can only change ourselves.
Who can you change? Only yourself. You cannot make someone love you. You cannot make someone change. You can only encourage, instruct, and correct others but it is them who will make the change. You can only change yourself.
God's view of marriage roles is that the man is to love his wife and the wife is to respect her husband.
Men
Psalm 112 – A righteous Husband
1. We must delight in the Lord.
Psalm 1:1 Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. 2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night.
Psalm 112:1 Praise the Lord. Blessed is the man who fears the Lord, who finds great delight in His commandments.
Ephesians 5: 25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church
3. We must protect our wives as Christ protects the Church.
Ephesians 5: 25Husbands love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
Psalm 112: 7He will not fear evil tidings; His heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.
4. Spiritual Leader
Ephesians 5:26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
Psalm 112:1 Praise the Lord. Blessed is the man who fears the Lord, who finds great delight in His commandments.
5. Example of Christ to our children
Psalm 112:2 His descendants will be mighty in the land. The generation of the upright will be blessed.
Ephesians 5: 4Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
Proverbs 20:7 The righteous man walks in his integrity; His children are blessed after him.
6. Men are the providers.
1 Tim 5:8 If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
Women
Proverbs 31 - A virtuous wife
Proverbs 31 is a speech from a Mom to her Son about how to find a virtuous wife.
Verses 10-31 is a list of what a virtuous wife is.
There are 22 verses from 10-31 and there are 22 characters of the Hebrew alphabet. Each verse starts with a different character of the Hebrew alphabet and goes through the entire alphabet from beginning to end. This is an easy way for young boys to memorize the character traits they need to look for when looking for a wife.
1. Wives must be trustworthy of her husband at all times.
verse 11: The heart of her husband safely trusts her; So he will have no lack of gain.
- Their husbands should be able to trust us.
- They should be able to talk to us about anything in confidence.
- They should not have to worry about us stealing from him.
- He will not have to be a "solder of fortune" to get back money which she has lost/spent.
E&A: Their husbands must be able to confide in us and know that wives can be trusted. He should be able to trust us with the check book and credit cards and know that wives will be wise with their money. Wives will also be trustworthy with the house and the care of their kids.
2. Wives should always have the best interest of her husband at heart.
verse 12: She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.
Wives also need to be wise and spiritually strong, encouraging her husband and building him up to be the best man he can be.
verse 15: She also rises while it is yet night, and provides food for her household, and a portion for her maidservants. Portions mean that she gave them their tasks to perform for today. This means that she is in charge of managing the house. She puts the household’s needs above herself.
verse 18: She perceives that her merchandise is good, and her lamp does not go out by night.
verse 25: Strength and honor are her clothing; she shall rejoice in time to come.
verse 26: She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness.
E&A: And because wives are wise and spiritually strong in the Lord, wives must be able to confront their husband’s sin and weaknesses in a loving, kind, and respectful way.
3. Wives should never be idle. Wives should always be working hard without complaint.
verse 13: She seeks wool and flax, and willingly works with her hands.
In the old testament, women worked long and hard doing things like seeking to buy wool and flax which they would take home, spin them into thread and then weave on a loom into fabric, which she would then cut and make garments and other household accessories out of.
verse 17: She girds herself with strength, and strengthens her arms.
She becomes strong from her daily tasks, and she provides for the needs of her family by keeping them warm with wool, and cool with linen/flax.
verse 19: She stretches out her hands to the distaff, and her hand holds the spindle. This is used in the process of making thread and then making fabric.
verse 21: She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household is clothed with scarlet. She makes her clothes properly for necessities. She died them scarlet or deep red to make the beautiful as well as functional because darker colors keep the person who wears it warm.
verse 27: She watches over the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness. She is wise and knows the Lord. She guides her family and husband daily with words of wisdom from God’s law.
4. Wives are to be entrepreneurial and thrifty.
verse 14: She is like the merchant ships, she brings her food from afar.
Women used to have to walk long distances to get food for their family. Because she is walking so far, she is probably looking for the best product at the best price.
verse 16: She considers a field and buys it; from her profits she plants a vineyard.
She uses money that she earns herself and not the money her husband has made. She uses this money to buy something that will help the family. She doesn’t spend money on herself but on the best interest of her family. She makes wise investments.
verse 24: She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies sashes for the merchants.
She uses her talents to bring in extra money to help her family. She doesn't spend money on herself but on her family. This shows that even though she is a housewife, she is creative and brings in money for her family by creating jobs for herself even though she is taking care of the home.
5. Wives need to be selfless and serve others and not themselves.
verse 20: She extends her hand to the poor, yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy.
E&A: Wives need to seek out ways to serve the poor and the needy. Wives must show compassion, getting involved in their lives, and be an example of Christ to everyone.
6. Wives need to be modest in what they wear. Not leading other men to fall into temptation.
verse 22: She makes tapestry for herself; Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
E&A: She dresses in clothes that look good for her husband. Wives need to take care of their looks. Wives need to look good for their husbands, and be pleasing with their looks but being immodest.
verse 1Tim 2:9-10 I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.
E&A: Women need to dress modestly. Wives must not cause men to stumble, leading to problems in other peoples marriages.
When wives do not strive to be the virtuous wife that is when marriage hurts. Wives want to be like the virtuous wife so that it will be true of us in verse 28: Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
Take Away Point:
Our priorities must be in proper order: God, Spouse, Children, Self.
God must come first in our lives.
We must have our own communication/relationship with Christ. Our spouse cannot get us into heaven. There is no check box for affiliated with… We must put God first in our lives. Putting God first is to filter everything you do, say, think, and are, are through the Godly “Filter” for your life. Everything must be checked and rechecked through the “Filter” of you glorifying Christ. If we put anything above Christ’s spot, your life will tumble and break apart. Our spouse must not be in this #1 spot. God comes first.
Spouse must come second in our lives.
With God at the first position, our spouse comes second in the list of priorities. We put our spouse above everything else. Men, love and serve your wife. Women respect and submit to your husband. If our children are put in a higher priority than our spouse, the marriage will fall apart. If we put ourselves above spouse, selfishness will destroy your marriage.
Children must come third in our lives.
Like the others, if anything is placed above this, your children lives will fall apart.
Countless Pastors Kids fall away because their father is dedicated to the Church and Christ and do “Work” for the Lord. Work, ministry, money, friends, hobbies, and everything else must not be put in the place of our children.
- As well, businessmen see their families fall apart when they devote their lives to work and not to their family. You may be providing for them physically, but spiritually and emotionally, you must be there for them.
Self must come fourth in the list of all priorities.
We must take care of ourselves last in the list of priorities. We are to be like Christ who came to earth as a servant. We must serve God, our Spouse, and our Children.
